Without the Flowery Text
by balurinagirl
Summary: What would Lord of the Rings be like without the flowery Tolkein-Text? The REAL story, in words you can understand....rated for language. Words I'm not aspposed to say. Bad Bal..Bad. Oh, well. I think it's funny. Please read, please review, cuz if YOU do


Without All the Flowery Text...  
  
A/N: I've never seen this done, but it probably has been. I don't own LOTR. I don't wish I did, because then I'd have to keep them fed and everything.... But I do confess to wanting to have Pippin and Legolas all to myself once in awhile.  
  
  
Tom Bombadil and Glorfindel: Hi, we're Tom Bombadil and Glorfindel. Despite having large roles in the novel, we were not included in the movie, and we choose to boycott it. Unfortunately, we're fictitious characters, but anyone who feels that they could have played us, had we been in the script, is welcome to boycott too. Thank you.   
  
Narrator: Anyway…..   
  
So there's this ring, right? And it's all evil and stuff....take over the world, yada yada yada and this dude, Sauron the toaster boy, is all "My ring! My ring! Can you say grabby?"   
  
Well, there's like, this revolution and all these people are like "Noooo Sauron, you can't rule the world! Mainly cause you're evil, but also because you refuse to agree that cable tv is a gooooooood thing." So there's this uprising, and this king-dude Elendil is all "I'm going to kill you, Toaster Boy!" except he doesn't and that's pretty much the end of him.   
  
So his son, Isildur, who has one of those names that people always pronounce wrong, because they've seen the movie and are just stupid, grabs daddy's sword and pulls a "I'm not going to cry, but instead I will retain my dignity and cry later." face and forcibly removes the ring from Sauron's hand. Cue much watching of ring falling over and over and over…well you get the idea. It also makes an incredibly loud noise when it hits the ground and everybody falls over.  
  
So. Isildur takes ring and being a man, refuses to destroy it. A woman or an elf would have used their brain and thrown it into the mountain, but nooooo, a man has to have the ring. So, as payback, the ring organises his immediate death. Ha. But then it ends up in a stream. Not so ha.   
  
Sméagol and Déagol (ooh, a RHYME!) go fishing about 2000 years later and Sméagol gets grabby. Despite Déagol being the actual ring finder, Sméagol goes off on a complete spaz and kills Déagol. Déagol is now dead and Sméagol takes ring. He also changes his name to Gollum, mainly because it's more evil sounding but also cos the é was just too passé.   
  
"My ring, my ooooown, my precious," jeez, some people need a hobby.   
  
Bilbo comes along. Yay Bilbo. He also gets grabby and takes the ring. Gollum gets pissy and vows revenge. Bilbo runs away, and realises how lucky he is that Tolkein preferred 'b' to 'd'.   
  
60 years later, and there's Bilbo being all old and wishing he was centre of attention again. So he throws a big party and stages a disappearing act. Too late, Bilbo, the audience are in love with the blue eyed Frodo. "But look at me, I'm no longer here!" Bilbo's screams go unnoticed as all the females stalk Frodo. "Fine, I can get pissy too." So he swans off to Rivendell, leaving the evil ring and it's evil legacy to torture Frodo. This only because Gandalf made him. So he got even more pissy.   
  
Gandalf comes back from research kick and tells Frodo to take the ring to Bree. "I'll see you there my boy, I have some, er, business to take care of. Saruman stole my hair straightener, hence my frizzy barnet."   
  
"Aight." Frodo is soooo naïve.   
  
Gandalf, as a parting gift, lets him take Sam, and then says "Oh and black riders will try to eat you. Later."   
  
Gandalf gets thrown about by Saruman, and then has to use a moth to call an eagle. He then jumps on eagle's back and leaves Isengard. "DAMN! I never did get my straightener off Saruman...."   
  
So, Frodo and Sam wade through corn and wrestle Merry and Pippin. "Oh look, we're amusing hobbits who fall over and break vegetables."   
  
Quite.  
  
"EEEEEEEKKKK" says Pippin. "Black Rider at 12 o'clock!!"   
  
By the time the dopey hobbits work out which direction he's in, he's ridden off in search of something else. Possibly a Happy Meal.   
  
Frodo decides to get into nature and drags the others down under a tree. The Black Rider comes back, realising that McDonald's was in the other direction.   
  
Black riders chase them, they jump on ferry, get to Bree, Pippin shrieks "He's a Baggins!" and Frodo 'accidentally' (yeah, accidentally.(!)) puts on ring. Aragorn rescues them and Black Riders stab beds that they aren't actually in. "Damn." says Black Rider One."I knew we shoulda gone for Pizza."   
  
So. Aragorn leads the hobbits to an old rock place, and then goes away for a while. Frodo goes to sleep and the other hobbits light a fire. So silly, because then, the Black Riders think the fire is the golden arches and ride towards the rock place screaming "Egg mcmuffin! Egg mcmuffin!"   
  
When they got there, they realised it was just the hobbits being silly and proceeded to run around in a ridiculous manner brandishing swords. Frodo got in the way and got all wounded and crap. Aragorn comes back, waving fire. Black Riders realise that Ronald McDonald would never treat them this way and go off in search of cheesburgers.   
  
"Damn! Ringwraith wound! Why couldn't it be something I can heal and look good?" Aragorn joins the pissy gang.   
  
Arwen rides up, flicks her hair and steals Frodo. She outrides the Black Riders and does freaky water tricks. "You're not giving up on me, damnit!!" Frodo doesn't die, as this would make a pointless movie, but instead dreams a dream and wakes up in Rivendell. Gandalf is there. With frizzy hair.   
  
Bilbo's pissiness made him grow really old really fast. Ha ha. I never liked him anyway.   
  
Elrond holds a council to reaffirm his status as king of Rivendell. Gimli tries to look intense, Boromir is like, emperor of shifty eye movements and Aragorn sat there thinking "I'm so gonna be king." Legolas managed to look manly wearing a dress. Well done.   
  
"The ring must be destroyed." Elrond wins the prize for observational skills.   
  
Frodo says he'll do it, and Gandalf is proud. Aragorn spouts some sentimental drivel and joins the club. Legolas decides that hanging out with such unfashionable types suited him as it made him look the best and plus the other elves' dresses were sooooo last millennium. Gimli goes as well because it would have been dwarfist not to let him and then Boromir is very childish and says he'll come too. Elrond counts them and realises that there's only 6. Then he counts the ringwraiths and makes Sam, Merry and Pippin go too. Just so it's nice and symmetrical.   
  
They go up a mountain, but then come back down. Then they make Bill go home on his own. Gandalf doesn't realise what difference a comma can make, so Frodo solves riddle to let them into the mines, and then gets attacked by large aquatic creature. Legolas-saving-day-count: ONE.   
  
They get stuck in large mine. "This is no mine, it's a tomb." Yeah, Boromir, cos we didn't notice all the dead bodies before you said that. Legolas looks lush and Pippin makes sooo much noise that the orcs heard him over the whining of the cave troll "But I'm used to trashing toilets, not mines!" (Eh, Harry Potter reference..) and come to attack. Orcs get killed, troll gets killed. Legolas-saving-day-count: TWO.   
  
Balrog pops out. "Boo!" Gandalf is scared. Orcs shoot at them. Legolas-saving-day-count: THREE.   
  
They jump over gap in the stairs, but the Frodo and Aragorn get so caught up in looking cute that the stairs get bored and leave. They then have bigger jump, but make it and Aragorn gets caught by Legolas, the lucky monkey.   
  
Balrog squeals and Gandalf gets pissy. "You shall not pass." Balrog doesn't care, as all he wanted to do was kick Gandalf anyway. So he falls, and, cutting his losses, takes Gandalf too. "Fly, you fools!" The fools don't fly. Then they do.   
  
Aragorn makes them all stop crying and run to Lothlórien.   
  
Gimli breathes loudly and Haldir insults him, followed by the campiest elf in the movie. Celeborn really tries to look like he wears the pants but fails miserably.   
  
"A lament to Gandalf!" Legolas announces.   
  
"What do they say?" all the non-elves ask.   
  
"I cannot tell you, for me the grief is still too near." Legolas delivers a beautiful line there. But I bet it was cos he didn't get it. Elves can be silly sometimes.   
  
Song continues: "Mithrandir, Mithrandir, we really wish that you were here…" or something like that.   
  
Frodo looks into a bowl of water and sees the Eye Of Sauron. He gets scared and Galadriel refuses to take the ring, mainly cause she already has one, but also cause gold is tacky.   
  
The Fellowship realise they haven't seen Ringwraiths in a while. No one comments on this, but secretly they all wish they could get the little Barbies that come with happy meals.   
  
The Fellowship climb into boats and sail away. Boromir also gets grabby AND pissy. Frodo wears ring and kicks him. He then falls onto Aragorn and runs away. Loads of Orcs come. Legolas-saving-day-count: THREE AND A HALF cos he was helped by Aragorn and Gimli.   
  
Uruk-hai go on a rampage through the woods. The Black Riders had promised to take them out for McFlurries and now they were very angry. They spotted the Fellowship and got sidetracked.   
  
Pippin and Merry find a good hiding place; Frodo finds a crummy one.  
  
"RAH!!" says Lurtz. And shoots arrows everywhere.   
  
Boromir has a guilt trip and tries to save Merry and Pippin. He gets shot loads of times, and then doesn't die for a while. Merry and Pippin are really useless cos they run at the orcs and just get captured. Bah, pathetic.   
  
Aragorn comes and Boromir finally dies. Legolas stands in distance. Gimli copies Legolas.   
  
Frodo takes boat and goes to Gondor. He and Sam have Titanic moment.   
  
They push Boromir over a waterfall.   
  
"Frodo and Sam have reached the Eastern shore." So cute.   
  
Aragorn leads Legolas and Gimli in other direction, to find Merry and Pippin, and possibly a Chinese takeout.   
  
Frodo and Sam stand on mountain, looking into distance. "Sam, I have bad news," says Frodo. "I can't see any golden arches in Mordor…." "NOOOOOOOOO………!!!!!"   
  
Sam also gets pissy, and refuses to do anything until the next book. Convenient really, as this is where it ends.   
  
A/N: Please review...I'll probably add to this. I guess. Hemm...maybe when the next movie comes out? I'll probably update stupid typos a lot so people REVIEW!!! :-D 


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